Realizations...

I am having a realization today. It is that nothing is what you expect it to be. So why have expectations? I have certain things that I want to have happen to me in my life, goals, dreams, desires, ambitions, etc. But today is making me feel like asking myself what the point is, you know? I got some news today that I wasn't expecting (there it is again... expectations) and that I wasn't ready for. I went through a full range of emotions and totally lost it. Part of me just wanted to bite this person's head off and just yell and scream until I had no more voice or breath in my body... but what good would that do?

You see, this person has given me one of the biggest disappointments in my life... and the greatest happiness. But all the happiness drained out a while ago. Now it's just bitterness. I am bitter. Its true. But more and more of me realizes that this person has way too much of an influence on me, and that needs to stop happening... right now. I don't feel the same way about this person as I did before, but I still care about him. Him. Ugh. Yes, I care, but I think that the person I care about died a long time ago. He is no where near the same person that he used to be. I love that person, but not this new person who I honestly feel pity for. Not in a mean way though, I just feel bad for him because I don't think he has the capability to get where he wants to be. What I found out today just proves it right away. He is a person of constant change. But seriously, who am I to judge?

I don't even know why I'm just rambling about this stuff. If anyone is reading this, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. But that's okay. I feel better now. I'm not crying anymore, so that is a really good thing. I think I'm ready to go back to school. This winter break has been awesome, but I'm ready to dive back into school, and work on growing. I have so much to learn about everything, but mostly about myself. I'm glad I figured that out. I talked to my brother before I wrote all of this and what he's said has helped me. Sometimes I really hate what he has to say, but that's just because I know it's true. And I envy him in a lot of ways because he has accepted a lot of things that I just haven't because I'm not ready to accept them. He's a very intelligent person. Anyways, I hope some of this makes sense, if not, oh well. It doesn't really make sense to me either... not yet, at least.