Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I think I'm growing up.

I'm noticing that I seem to be acting almost like a real grown up. Well, kind of. I don't have a job and I still depend on my parents, and I'm still in college. But... I do feel like I'm becoming a bit wiser and more confident. I think the best thing about what I'm discovering about myself is that I've become so much more positive. I've detached myself from the negativities that used to haunt me, and now I just feel so relieved, and happy, and refreshed. I'm not holding onto anything anymore that's only going to drag me down, because I was for a long time. Maybe I'm just finally getting the hang of college. I don't know. But I'm really happy. Really, really happy. And I'm proud of myself for doing this on my own. Everything I've gone through in the past 6 months has been difficult, heartbreaking, and stressful, but I got through it and I learned from it. I've made these little changes in my life, and I feel like I'm a better person, and in a way better place than I used to be. And I'm no longer harboring any anger towards anyone, which is a huge thing. It's just not good to have anger, which I finally figured out, haha.

I've started working out too! Funny how once you finally start working out, you realize that it actually does work! I'm eating a bit healthier too. I don't know, I guess these are just small little changes, but I feel so good! This is probably the happiest I've ever been, and I don't want it to go away. And the best part about it is that none of this has anything to do with a guy. There are no men in my life right now, and I'm finally focusing on myself for once, which is totally fantastic!!!! This is the way it should be.

So yeah, I think this means I'm growing up.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Things I don't want to see...

I saw a picture of him and his new ... item, and i just wanted to scream.
I hate liars. I wish people couldn't lie sometimes. I also wish I could warn this girl and tell her to quit while she still has the chance. I don't want what happened to me to happen to anyone else!!! It wasn't fair, and it was heart breaking. No one deserves that.
I had a dream last night that I was pregnant and I was walking around, and he was there. Sitting on a big ball. And he was just rolling there, very casual. And then I said hello, how are you, and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Then he starting really kissing me. Thats when I woke up and I was thoroughly upset. I was rather disgusted that he had the nerve to kiss me. Especially in my dreams. I don't know what the dream meant, but judging by my reaction, I can gather that I'm still pretty irritated with him. I know I am. And I really hate that.
He often comes up in conversation, which is really very uncomfortable for me, but I can't help it. Someone always says something that has to do with him. You how you connect memories with certain people? Well thats just how it is. I can't help that.
The past is the past though. And he is certainly one thing I wish to always keep in the past.
It is now the time to make new memories with new people and new friends. So that's what I've been doing, and it's going on rather swimmingly I think :)

Monday, January 4, 2010

Kelly Clarkson heals the soul..

Today. More bad news. How do I handle it? Not as well as one would hope, but I did take the high road. It's over and done and now I can move on. The person I spoke of in my previous entry is now out of my life. This should make me happy, and I am, but a part of me still hurts because it's so fresh. It really is. And I'm really disappointed in him. I've lost a ton of respect for him... that just proves that now is the time to move on. So I am... well I'm half way there.

My friend told me today that it takes half of the time your relationship was to get over the person and move on. Well mine was a year, so it's 6 months, but 2 have already passed by. I can't wait for the next 4 months.

I wish I could say that I'm happy for him, but I'm not. I actually just really feel bad for him. I wish for him to have happiness, because I don't think this is really what he wants. But I could be wrong, like I said before, I don't really know him anymore.

After talking to my friend I decided the best thing for me to do was to listen to Kelly Clarkson. Isn't that funny. But it actually made me feel better, so thats good. She has some great music and great lyrics. And it's a little freaky how close the lyrics resemble my situation. "Never Again" is what I'm currently listening to... on repeat. It may be a little angry, but it's helpful. It;s actually making me calm down.

Anyways, my New Years resolution was to move on and get over the past (and to stop drinking soda again). So far so good. I'm taking the steps I need to, and I feel good about the decisions I've made thus far. I want this year to be about discovering things about myself, and I just want to be happy. I am happy, but I'm not all the way there yet.

To quote Ingrid Michaelson, "Happy is the heart that still feels pain."

Thursday, December 31, 2009


I am having a realization today. It is that nothing is what you expect it to be. So why have expectations? I have certain things that I want to have happen to me in my life, goals, dreams, desires, ambitions, etc. But today is making me feel like asking myself what the point is, you know? I got some news today that I wasn't expecting (there it is again... expectations) and that I wasn't ready for. I went through a full range of emotions and totally lost it. Part of me just wanted to bite this person's head off and just yell and scream until I had no more voice or breath in my body... but what good would that do?

You see, this person has given me one of the biggest disappointments in my life... and the greatest happiness. But all the happiness drained out a while ago. Now it's just bitterness. I am bitter. Its true. But more and more of me realizes that this person has way too much of an influence on me, and that needs to stop happening... right now. I don't feel the same way about this person as I did before, but I still care about him. Him. Ugh. Yes, I care, but I think that the person I care about died a long time ago. He is no where near the same person that he used to be. I love that person, but not this new person who I honestly feel pity for. Not in a mean way though, I just feel bad for him because I don't think he has the capability to get where he wants to be. What I found out today just proves it right away. He is a person of constant change. But seriously, who am I to judge?

I don't even know why I'm just rambling about this stuff. If anyone is reading this, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. But that's okay. I feel better now. I'm not crying anymore, so that is a really good thing. I think I'm ready to go back to school. This winter break has been awesome, but I'm ready to dive back into school, and work on growing. I have so much to learn about everything, but mostly about myself. I'm glad I figured that out. I talked to my brother before I wrote all of this and what he's said has helped me. Sometimes I really hate what he has to say, but that's just because I know it's true. And I envy him in a lot of ways because he has accepted a lot of things that I just haven't because I'm not ready to accept them. He's a very intelligent person. Anyways, I hope some of this makes sense, if not, oh well. It doesn't really make sense to me either... not yet, at least.